I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Jerry, you need to find god
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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