So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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