I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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