One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
