So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
