Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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