things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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