i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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