I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
