Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
