I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
