I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
