Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
