I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
