so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
