I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
