Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
