Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
