so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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