I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I'm passing your future prison.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
