I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
