Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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