So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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