Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
