: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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