Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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