Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
