theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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