i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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