I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Randomize
