Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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