My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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