Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
