I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
