I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
