life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Randomize
