Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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