I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
