I can text with my tongue
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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