Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
