Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
