Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
