My entire life is one complicated drinking game
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Randomize
