I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
