I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
