bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
