I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Randomize
