the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
