I think I died a long time ago.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
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