3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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