My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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