before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
