I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
