Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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